Van Cortlandt Park–242nd Street Line

 Hello

So a couple nights ago I went back with my room mate (H) after hanging out with him and his friends. In the subway on the way back we saw this guy that was blackout drunk.  I mean DEAD drunk. His girlfriend keeps calling his name and trying to wake him up. 

I happen to have water that I bought from the deli so I gave it to them in hopes of waking up this gentleman. We first suggested that she pour the water in his mouth so he can drink a bit of water and feel well enough to be conscious. This proved to be difficult as he was completely out and his head was hung pretty low. The young lady helping him was having a really hard time making sure that this man's head is upright. 

Next, by the suggestion of another gentleman in the cart (lets call him BA as in Bystander A) she should pour the water on him or on his face. To which the young lady promptly replied "he'll kill me"

H and I just shrugged our shoulders and tried to convince her that its the only way that guy is ever going to wake up. 

The young lady then poured some water on the gentleman's head, and he woke up after about a minute. He has a bewildered expression and proceeded to cuss at us.

Fortunately, it was our stop and we proceeded to get out of the train and went our way. When we left, the recently woken up gentleman was still arguing with BA and using very unsavory language.

We made our way home and that was that.  

The main reason why this has been on my mind is because of that girl. She's willing to stay with her man and actually help him when he's dead drunk. I had someone like that, though not anymore. I really am ungrateful and stupid. This regret will stay with me for the rest of my life. I need to grow up and really work on myself so that I won't be as deranged as I am now. I've been contemplating to *unalive* myself for a couple of days but I made an oath to myself to never do that. Well, i'm not going anywhere.

Times Like These

 Its times like these that made me make this blog in the first place 

I think that this is the first time in a very long time that I am  compelled to actually write something

I'm at a point in my life where, yet again, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place 

I've struggled with this before so why do I still find myself unable to find any solution or at least a good medium for me to let things out.

I think i'm just too tired of it all. I kinda want to take action, but actions have consequences. I want to disappear, but what then? when I come back will things go the way I want them to? the answer is obvious. its a hard no. 

But what can I do?

Talking about it doesn't seem to work, running away to things don't help, even video games that gives me that little bit of serotonin seems to have little to no effect anymore 

I think i've said this to myself on multiple occasions, it feels like I just want to grow a pair of wings and fly away. Or just become a recluse so I'll be okay by my lonesome 

I just don't know